Saturday, October 7, 2017

G8, P3: A Homeowner's Insurance Windfall

"I have tried, really I have, but I just do not like cousin Stuart."

Last chapter quite a few more Sunset Valley icons bit the dust, including Bella and Jocasta Bachelor, Marty Keaton, Stiles McGraw, and, in truly heart-wrenching fashion, Iqbal Alvi. Iqbal made Stuart chase him across town and way up to the backside of the pond that's up behind the sports stadium. Rory grew up and moved out.

Oh honey.

This happened out of the clear blue. His LTW was Super Popular (have 20 friends). He rolled it as a child, I think. I let him have it, sent him to a charisma class, gave him the Attractive reward when he had the points for, then paid it not one iota of attention. I think he was talking to friends at school when he got it.

That same day, both Celina and Tyler had birthdays.

They are roomies and actually quite good friends, in spite of Tyler once killing Celina's father, although I think she missed the whole thing. They do not mind sharing a party.

Tyler did roll odd for his trait, so he's now mean-spirited, in addition to evil, clumsy, eco-friendly, and cat-person.

"I live in a huge, energy-suck of a mansion with three complete assholes."

Stuart: "Yeah I don't like the babies either, or Dad."

Tyler's so happy that he's staying on the lot.

Thanks to an opportunity, I was just barely able to roll for Celina's trait, she rolled even, and then handy. So she still has no family traits. She was already good, ambitious, and clumsy.

The party goes off without a hitch, oddly. But no worries, something else of interest happened in a small, rather poorly furnished and equipped log cabin on the other side of town from the Foxes.

"I don't know what happened here, but this is NOT Mar-A-Lago!!"

"Tango, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times we cannot afford a Mar-A-Lago membership, not even if you finally give up that god-forsaken fake tanner."

"They're all losers! They had their chance. I'll make Sunset Valley great again, then they'll all be sorry!"


Meet Tangerine and Melanoma Hitler, everyone. They used to live in Starlight Shores but after a rather .......... ill advised run in with aliens and a decensor mod, Tango and Mel were secretly cloned, and run out of SS. With almost no money to their name, they managed to afford a small home here in SV, where maybe their dreams will come true.

It's .......... quaint. I hope they like it because they will not be moving without my permission.

"There's no couch! Where am I supposed to sleep? This house is bad!"

With the exception of my simself, I don't go out of my way to make the Foxes meet someone. Usually I send them to various lots and whoever is there is the lucky sim who gets to interact with them. I made an exception for Tango and Mel, because they are oh so special.

Stuart was happy to leave the birthday party anyway.

"Who are these people, again?"

Mel: "Oh good lord, no!"

She'll be back.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Stuart Fox, who the hell are you?"

"I'm Tangerine Hitler, and I'm a very successful business person, the very best in fact. All the business people say so."

"I didn't ask."

"Hmph. Well what do YOU do, Steven?"



"Um, well, I sleep in until at least 10am, take care of the garden, then I hit the town looking for new girlfriends until I either score or get arrested."

"Really? I mean, it sounds great but where's the money in it?"

"Money? Idaknow, man, money's never been an issue. My family lived in a mansion in Riverview, then we moved here to a mansion up on the hill. Kicked out the Landgraabs, that was pretty sweet. I don't know where the simoleons come from but we've got a LOT of them."

It's true. He doesn't have, has never had a job. He never has to think about it.

"Well! How about that? I'm so glad we met, Stuart. We're going to be great friends, the very best friends!"


"You know what this town needs? A casino! Shaped like a snowman!! With a golf course! Let's talk investments. I'm a real idea man, Stuart."

"Oh great, he's found a 'friend'."

Mel: "I'd hope that he's a sucker that will fall for another one of Tango's 'investments', except he looks like a damn hobo."

Tango: "You can do this Tango. He doesn't look very smart. You're much smarter than him, the smartest!! You're a very smart man, Tango."

"You're gonna do it, Tango! You're gonna get that CEO job, step in there, and they are gonna LOVE you! They are gonna think all your ideas are the very greatest, best ideas. Ask anyone! They're gonna..."



"Pffffft. Can't even eat this piss poor salad without assholes ruining my appetite."

"Heh-heh, didja 'see that, lady?"

"Mmmhmm, that's nice."

"Eeee Eeee Eeee"

Stewie, you gotta go, hon.

Right as he scared Tango. I don't even know.

"Later man, duty calls!"

"Yeah, bye."


"*sniff* He's a meanie. *choke* Nobody likes him, he's a loser. *sniff*"

"Tango, for god's sake, go do that outside. I just want to eat in peace. That's all I want to do. Just eat this sad, gross salad with some peace and quiet."


Stuart made quick work out of Susan at the coffee house.

"*wheeze* CHECK!"

"Heh-heh, bonus points for stabbing her through the holes in her pants."

"Yeah, it's a long shot but I'm going to give it a try anyway."

Ben: "Pffft, stupid punk."

"Get off my lawn, you moocher!"

A few stragglers were still leaving the party when Stuart zapped home.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to hoof it all the way back to the coffee house."

"Fuck you guys."


Stewie gives himself something to do in the morning.

Alex gets his lifetime wish!

And Damaris is finally available.

"Can I hold your baby?"

"NO!! How the hell did you get in here?"

"*SOB* My poor husband!!"

"Hi, Alex!!"

"Oh, hi!"

"There are two babies, here."

"Yeah, and I'm not allowed to hold either one of them."

Damaris and Luis had a toddler as well as the new baby. My simself's house is getting full, so Elisa and Talia moved in with Hank Goddard and Pauline Wan. I'm sure they don't mind.

"Ugh, that did not help at all!"

We're out of invigorating elixirs, so Stewie had to nap on a library bench.

Vivek is first, I think he was married to Lakeisha.

"Wow, this is a pretty nice place."

Today, Stuart.

"You monster!!"


"Dad! I'm ho-"

"Be with you in a sec, Audrey."

"What's wrong with you?"

"My dad is dead!!"

"You're smiling."

"No I'm not, see!"

"Yes you are! Don't lie to me!"

"I'm just kidding. I really don't care."

But you're still killing her.

"LOL! Yeah!"

Stewie's not done, yet.

Tyler wants attention. LOL! That's the sim that witnessed the alien returning Stuart, with receipt.

"Look kid, I don't know what you heard but I only tried Gunthar's pills once. I certainly don't sell them!"

"I'm not a teenager anymore, lady. You don't have to walk on eggshells around me. I got money!"

"You are not listening to me. I don't sell any drugs! I'm sorry Gunther died but I barely knew the guy. I was tired, he gave me some pills telling me that they were vitamins, I took them, saw some really weird shit, and never talked to him again. Take your strung out ass somewhere else!"

"Fine. Be difficult. I can be difficult, too."

"OWWWW!! What the fuck, kid?!?"

I think Tyler's getting a little stir crazy from all the toddler care.

Meanwhile, Stuart catches up with Derrick at the sports bar.

"Bye, old man!"

"Hey! It's Happy Hour!! Sweet!"

Virginia just wants someone to love.

"♪♪ Iiiiii, ain't got noboooody! ♪♪"

"Don't worry, Papa! When I grow up and have babies, you can hold them!"

"Hmph. Like that's going to happen."

"You're so grumpy, Papa!"

Honestly, she's already lasted longer than I thought she would. It could happen!

The toddlers get dual birthday cakes, although no party as I wanted to age them up in the morning. I'm surprised Virginia actually picked her dad to grow her up!

"Hey! I'm a good dad!"

Tesla: "No you're not."

You both suck.

"My eyes can't derp."

"No worries. I got it covered."

Virginia rolled odd and got mean-spirited for her trait, she was already insane and hates the outdoors.

"I'm gonna make really inappropriate hand gestures!"

Jr. rolled even, so he's now an athletic slob who's a born salesman.

Stuart Sr. needs to have a conversation with girlfriend number 7, Vera. All this murder has kept him very busy and he hasn't had time.

"Nice rack!"

Not that conversation.

"I'm breaking up with you."

"What? Why?"

"I want more girlfriends and I can only have one at a time."


Vera didn't think so.

"Bye Stuart, you asshole."

Not so fast, Vera.

"Oh shit! I gotta run!"

And away she went, unclickable as she was "going home".

Stuart followed her, as he is wont to do.

"I wasn't done yet, Vera."

"Fuck you, Stuart!"

"Yeah no thanks."

That's cold, man.

After waiting out the cops, Stuart wanders over to the sports bar to see if there are any single ladies.

He finds Zelda Mae.

"How have I missed you all this time?"

"I have no idea, but I'm so glad you found me now."

Number 8! There's just one little hitch.

*sigh* I put Daft Punk in town (with no cc, I did the best I could). Thomas is married to Blair Wainwright. Guy-Man married Zelda.

So Stuart goes looking for Guy.

Well, first he woohoos with Zelda. THEN he goes looking for Guy.

"Why are you wearing that?"

"I'm a robot."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"Wow! Look at that! You really are a robot!"

"Hee-hee. I killed a robot!"

I am not amused.

Robot ghost! Cooool.

Okay, I'm a little amused.

"No, you can't stay. In fact, I have a long list of things I need you to autograph, so let's get going."

This was inevitable.

But Stewie's going to have to wait awhile. There is, however, something he can do in the meantime.

"We are through!! You never supported me!"

"We just met yesterday! We woohooed once and that was it!"

"And I had to do all the work."

"If that was your idea of work, I completely support your decision to break up with me."

"What do you mean I have to wait?? Why are you deleting that?? This is bullshit!!"

Kids can't use Dexter Bear, kiddo. Sorry.

"You said those NRASS mods are really good!"


"Whatthefuckever. That little bitch makes fun of me and she smells like Grandpa after a party."

I'm fond of Virginia. She has great potential.

I feel like this took longer than it should have.

This is Janice, she just moved to Sunset Valley.

With her husband, Nawwaf. Yes, Nawwaf. This is what happens when the game is allowed to name sims all willy-nilly.

"THAT'S her husband? HA!!"

Stewie handed Nawwaf his ass.

"Heh, this is fun!"

"Don't you think so, whateverthefuck your name is?"



Hmm, who's Kyle?

"Don't worry Kyle, I won't let you fall."

"Thanks, Alex! I've never done this before."

I might have angst over killing someone Alex clearly likes, except she's a teenager.

Bad Alex, BAD!! *squirts with water bottle*

It'll have to wait since Stuart has already called for his zap home.

The odds were not in his favor.

Celine: "Oh dear. I don't even want to know what Stuart did this time."

Yep. Janice walked away after Stewie and Nawwaf fought, so he never asked her out. Still waiting for number 9.

Hours later.

"Nice trailer."

"Bye, Janice."

"Try not to think of what could have been."

I tried to find Kyle but she's an NPC, probably a babysitter. She might be friendly enough with Alex for him to invite her over. I figure he can try tomorrow. But when morning comes, something else commands my attention first,

Up until today, the Foxes have ignored that fireplace. Alex autonomously lights it, and a few hours later this shit happens.

It got big fast.


Tyler is sporting his work hair. Also, this room has no fire alarm.

Of course everyone has to cram themselves in there.

"Dammit, Celine! Get out of the way!!"

Virginia: "Dammit, Alex! It's not going out!!"

Stuart: "Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? I like you and all but you suck at this."

"Well maybe if I had a fire extinguisher that actually fucking worked!!"

"Virginia!! I want to panic there! Move!!"

"There! Now it's working!"

"Hey Alex, guess what?"


He JUST saved all your useless asses!!

"I know, and he totally thinks he's the shit. As if."

Alex: "We may have gotten friendship points, but you're still a fucking little shitstain."

"I can't believe my son is dead!"

"I can't believe I wasn't me who did it! *sniff*"

"*SOB* I can't believe I couldn't kill him if I wanted to!!"

"Hmm, I know who I CAN kill."

LOL!! Right in the middle of "mourning" for Alex.

"Don't cry, Dad. You get to join him."

Of course Alex comes back.

Tesla does not. He was so pissed off about it that he whooshed into his grave without talking to Grim. After the picture he got moved to the graveyard.

And Celine and Jr. are never happy again. Okay I don't know that for sure, I'm just speculating.

After all that fuss, the fireplace was still burning. I sent Celine to turn it off while I placed Tesla's grave.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, CELINE?? Did you try to turn it off with your ASS??

"I do not know how this happened."


Quick, run to the pool!!

And whatever you do, DO NOT just jump right in. Oh no. Be sure to fucking BACK YOUR ASS SLOWLY DOWN THE FUCKING LADDER. Cause we have all fucking day.

"Now I am freezing."

Pffffffft.  Dumb ass.

"Oh my god, there's another fire! But YAY, I get my panic spot!!"

"Yes, that there is definitely a fire."

What the hell?

Who the hell are you? How did you get inside?

"I'm Fred, Junior's half brother. I was just walking by and heard a commotion, so I thought I'd stop and get in the way."

"I know you want me to go into the library and do something, but there's a bunch of stupid kids blocking the door so that's not happening."


By the time the kids move enough so someone can get in, it's a two person job.

Alex: "I literally just fucking did this. And got fucking killed as a thank you."

Hon, I love you but I really don't care right now. Take your hurt feelings and shove them whereever y'all keep those fire extinguishers.

Stuart: "HEY!! Spray the fire not me, you shithead!!"

"Heh-heh. Oops."


"Help or get the fuck out, Tyler!!"

Alex: "STUART!! It's not out yet!! Get your fucking extinguisher!!"

"Oh COME ON man. That shit's heavy."


"Celine?? What the hell happened to you?"

Fred: "Oh god, this is it, we're all gonna die!"

I cannot wait until you're a teenager, FRED.

Stuart: "Hmph. He got it out and no one died."

Celine: "I almost died."

Stuart: "Nobody fucking cares, Celine."

"OHHHH, this is what the pokers are actually for! Who knew?"

Alex, who technically started this horrific series of events in the first place, finally puts the fucking fireplace out.

"I don't know who the hell you are and I really don't fucking care. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS!!"

"Whoa! Okay, green girl. Sorry!"

"You don't have to be so mean, Virginia."

"And don't even get me started on you, JUNIOR."

I puffy heart Virginia.

Let's end this here while we're ahead, shall we? We had two big ass fires but no one died. Well, the fire didn't kill anyone. And we didn't even lose anything, almost.

One simoleon? Really? It took some looking but I finally found it.

Now that is some thorough home owner's insurance. And a really incompetent fire.

Coming up, Stuart gets his lifetime wish .... and more than he bargained for.