Tuesday, October 24, 2017

G8, P5: A Very UnFoxy Wedding


"Ew, gross."

Time for you to go, Stuart.

Last chapter, Stuart met Melanoma Hitler. Mel became girlfriend number 10, giving Stewie his lifetime wish. Mel's husband, Tangerine, aka Tango, Hitler did not take well to his wife divorcing him. He took even less well to Stuart beating him to death with a fireplace poker.


"Oh my god!! It's happening!! They're coming for me!"


"ACHOOO!!"

Fred: "Or you're just sick."


"Shut up, FRED. You don't know shit!!"


"I think that brownie has gone bad, Virginia."

"Why, because it's got some green on it?"

"Well, yeah."

"Fuck off, Junior."


Probably got an A or on the honor roll.

So after Edward got out of school, Stuart tracked him down at his house.


"This will go faster if you hold still."


"But...... I still .... need ... to do ..... my homework!"

"Nerd."

Later ...


"Why am I green? No one else is green. I don't even like green!"

"You're green because you come from aliens."

"WHAT??"

"You heard me. One night I was at a friend's house, murdering her ex-husband minding my own business, when some ship thing zaps me up inside it. I don't remember much else but when they zapped me back, a day later I had you growing inside me."


"Aliens."

"Aliens."

"Fucking aliens."

"Fucking aliens."


"Bite me, STUART. If you don't know, just fucking say so."

"I'm SERIOUS!! I got kidnapped by aliens and then got pregnant with you!"

"Pffffft. Liar."



"WHAT??"

You woohooed at the coffee house, this shouldn't be that big a surprise.

"She named him TANGO JR??? After her fat, ugly ass ex?"

Why do you care? You never have an opinion on your kid's names.

"I care about this!! Are you sure he's mine? I want a DNA test!"

I'm positive.


"Okay kid, you wait here for your father to come and get you. Mommy's having some Pinot Noir and going to bed."


Idionka: "Woman, where the hell have you been? I've been freezing my ass off out here for hours!!"

Tango Jr: "A little help, please? Hot water bottle, maybe? Brandy?"


"That's him?"

That's him.

"He's a little blue."

Don't ask.


"So this is our baby?"

"Yes, this is Tango."

"Why did you name him after your ex-husband?"

"I don't know. I had to name him something and you already have a son named after you. I'm tired and all I want to do is go to bed, so I gave him a name so they'd let me leave the hospital."

"Oh."

Soul mates.


Soooo, to Mel? Or anyone?

"*sigh* Mel, I guess. I don't want to have to find someone else. Plus we have a baby, and I don't even like babies, so it's better to just move them both in."


"So Mel, why don't you and Tango move in with me? Cause, honestly, this house is kind of a shit hole."


"YES!!! One step closer to gold digger, baby!!"

"I think that's a great idea, Stuart. Tango should be raised with his father."

Because I'm now going over the 8 sim limit, "Ask to move in" won't allow me to move everyone, so I use Master Controller, which zaps the kids home ahead of Mel and Stuart.


"So ... I live here now?"

Yep.


"Good. Where are the toys?"

I going to assume that Idionka is happy about the move. I'm not sure how you tell with her, but anything's got to be better than being stuck outside in the snow all day.


"HEY! This welfare girl with no clothes is playing with the toy I want! She needs to go home, like now!"

That's Stella. She lives here and it's her xylophone, too.

"You can't be serious? Where are her clothes? Is she always going to be naked? I thought this was a nice mansion."

Oh Idionka, you're in for a world of confusion.


"Why is Tango's ugly orange kid here?"

She lives here now, remember?

"No! I asked Mel and Tango Jr. to move in, not this little freak."

She is a toddler, Stuart! She has no other family, and she certainly can't live by herself!

Idionka: "Nice try, idiot. Now put me to bed! I want the crib with the dinosaurs!"

Stuart: "Motherfucker!!"

Meanwhile, out by the front door,


Mel: "Which one is this? I thought Stuart Jr. was older?"

That's Tango, your son!

"Uh, no. Tango is a baby."

Yeah, I don't do sim infants anymore, Mel.

Tango: "This is much better than the snow."

So here are the new kids,



I realized that I forgot to take a screenshot of Mel's stats. Eh. She's a snobby gold digger, that about covers it.


LOL! Look at that fucked up household photo. Sorry Alex!


"YES!! I did it! I'm on my way, baby!!"

Mel likes it.


Stuart: "Why is there a crib in here?"

I can't get three cribs in the nursery.

"Okay, so? Put it in with Alex or Tyler, or ....... those other kids' rooms. Not in here! I don't want to sleep with some snotty, stinking, screaming one-year old! Damn!!"


"Holy shit, my arm!! What happened to my arm??"


"This crib is BROKEN and YOU are the WORST au pair EVER!!!"

"Why do I have to do this? I have school in an hour!"

Neither Mel nor Stuart are terribly interested in taking care of their own children, so it usually falls to Celine or Tyler, occasionally Alex.


"At least I can hold Stella."

"Actually, Stella would rather be put down so she can go play."


"Lady, why are you always wearing that wedding dress?"

"I'm manifesting my reality. You may want to try it. That hat is atrocious."


"Alright Mel, this could be it. This could be the big day. I mean, the art museum? No way he hangs out there for fun."


In what is probably the most romantic thing he's ever done, Stewie brings Mel to the art museum for the big proposal.


"I've got something important to ask you, Mel!"

"Oh god, this is it!! ThisisitthisisitthisisitthisisitTHIS IS IT!!!!!!!!!!"


"Will you marry me?"

In front of the toilet. Nice.

"OH MY GOD THAT ROCK IS HUGE!!!"


"Told you I'm loaded!"

"And it goes with EVERYTHING!!"


"Are you ready to party, baby?"

Ichhh.

"I am SO ready!"

Gag.


When Iliana got out of work....


Um, you're supposed to be a ghost already, Iliana.


Aging disabled. Sigh. Alright, let's give this a go and see what happens.


"You're supposed to be a ghost, Iliana! I want to see a ghost!"


"Eh, you're not going to see one now, either."

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. So I reset her and Alex tried again.


"You are VERY rude!"


"She's still not a ghost!"

So I tried using MC to force kill her.


And again, absolutely nothing happened. Alex has the option to "compliment ghastliness", so the game clearly thinks she's already dead.


 She even has a gravestone on the lot. So I used my one last option.


When I brought her into Create A Sim, the sidebar said she was a ghost, but she still looked human. So I made her human, then back into a ghost.


It worked. If you're going to behave like a living ghost, Iliana, you have to look like one.

Alex: "And I got my wish!"


Tango: "Where did everyone go, Stella?"

"I don't know. They all changed their clothes and left."

"Are we home alone? Should we start rigging up a Rube Goldberg machine?"

"Nah, we're not alone."


"Oh my god, these toddlers are DISGUSTING!!"

"That's right, Cinderella! You'll never get to go to the ball, no matter what cheap, ugly gown you wear. Now quit complaining and clean up my shit! I cannot learn the xylophone in such filth!"

I didn't trust the three toddlers with babysitters, so Celina drew the short straw.

Mel had the wedding party the day after the proposal so Stuart couldn't change his mind or end up in prison.


My simself: "He's in his bathing suit. I actually spent time picking out a nice formal outfit for him and he's wearing his bathing suit."

Typical.


Mel: "Really?"

Look, do you want to marry into the richest family in Sunset Valley or not?


"Well, he's not a disgusting oompa-loompa, so there's that."


"Um, Mel? Is something wrong?"

"Oh Stuart, it's just that .................. it's my wedding day, ..........."


".............. and no one is paying attention to me at all!!"

LOL!! Not one thought bubble! Harsh.


It was still a lovely ceremony.

"*sigh* Why didn't he wear his tuxedo?"

If I have to let it go, Mel, so do you.


We'll let the statue censor the big smooch, no one needs to see that.


Virginia spends the entire rest of the reception painting.

"I really hope that woman makes it to my teenage years so I can deal with her myself."


Alex bails right after the ceremony and goes home.

"I've got something really important to do!"


"You. Asshole."


"Heh-heh. The food at the reception was some fancy ass, gross crap."

You left your nephew's wedding reception to go steal candy from a toddler?

"I'm not sorry."

Fine.


Just for that, you're teaching her to walk.

"Man!!"

"Oh stuff it, you crazy old hobo. I'm not happy about this, either."


Ex-girlfriend Connie spends the reception tending the new bar I put in just for the wedding. I guess Jamie isn't the only surviving ex.

"*giggle*, Don't ask what I did to the vodka."

I won't.


And Byron here gets the "stuck in the rice throwing loop" award. At every single wedding I've ever had, one of the guests gets stuck in a loop of cheering and throwing rice. Congrats, Byron.

And Melanoma, the bride? Well she spends the reception flirting with......


Tyler.

"I love your outfit, Tyler! So stylish and ............. sexy."

You've got to be kidding me.


"Thanks, Mel! Sexy knows sexy, amirite?"

"*giggle* Oh Tyler!"


"What the fucking fuck?"

Believe me, I had visions of a Game of Thrones style reception going through my head, but Stuart surprised me by not giving one tiny shit that his brand new wife spent the wedding reception flirting with his cousin. Like I have said, he is the oddest duck.

The reception ended well after midnight with nary a murder in sight. You guys are getting soft.

Mel and Stuart start out their married life in proper sims fashion, with a birthday party.


"Bout damn time you showed up, Kyle."

"I knew I should have stayed home."

Mel: "Don't you dare, Stuart!! This is a nice party!!"

I think Mel is still dreaming of the perfect wedding. She wears that dress all.the.time.


"No glitching away this time!"

Mel: "STUART!!!"

So at the exact same moment Stuart kills Kyle.......


Stella: "What's the point of blowing these candles out? We're all going to die anyway."

The poor thing looks so melancholy and resigned.

So the guests have to decide, mourn or cheer?


Teenage Fred: "Is neither an option? Can I just stand here and clog the path?"

From left to right, we have Ben, Darlene Bunch, and Miraj Alvi. There's still a few iconic SV sims left that the Foxes haven't killed. Well, Darlene is unlucky, but somehow Miraj has gotten by unnoticed, in spite of the rest of his family all ending up six feet under.


They all manage to shove past Fred, who joins them, to the gym to watch Kyle go.


Mel, annoyed that her party is already being death-jacked, aggressively ignores Stuart by cheering for a toddler that she could not care less about.

"Yay Stephanie!!"


Stella grows up to look like neither Stuart nor Zelda. If I squint she looks a bit like Tesla. Already a slobby couch potato, she rolls odd for her trait, so she is now mean-spirited.

"I hate my family."

Everybody does, sweetheart.

Virginia gets her birthday next.



"HaHA!! She's green and funny looking!!"

"Why is this fucker still here?"

He may as well live here.


Stuart: "Holy shit! You're bald, Virginia!! Hahahahahahaaaa!!!"

Virginia: "Fuck off, Stuart. YOU'RE bald."

Stuart: "Am NOT!!"


I gave her some hair. Virginia was already mean-spirited, as well as insane and hates the outdoors. She rolled daredevil for her trait.


This right here is probably why Grim never leaves right away. Tyler rolled this as Virginia was blowing out her candles.


"You are a very disturbed young man."

Junior gets the last birthday of the party.


"Someone's at the door."

Probably the cops.


Damn, Tyler. What got up your butt?


"Yessss, my plan to make you pay attention to me, other than forcing me to skill the brats, is working!!"

"Someone's at the door."

Thanks for that, Idionka.

"Get a damn butler already."

Nobody cares what you think, Idionka. Go watch tv.


Grim: "This is a very satisfactory party!"

Dorothy: "I strongly disagree."

Unfortunately for Dorothy, no one cares what she thinks, either.


Tyler: "Soooo, is she going to die orrrr...."

Grim: "Be patient, love. People need to do it in their own time. Well, and mine."


Tyler: "Cooool."


And he's not done, yet.


Junior: "Where did everyone go?"

Hallway, there's a ruckus. No worries, they'll all be back to route fail around the cake in no time.

Junior had no family traits as a child, so he was miserable much of the time. I was not able to roll for his trait, so he got "bookworm" locked in. He's also an athletic, slobby, born salesman.


Okay, I probably wasn't going to kick Tyler out when the last toddlers grow up, but he's really putting in the effort.

We'll end it here. Coming up next chapter, Mel and Tyler take their relationship to a new low, or high, depending on your point of view, Stuart makes his ancestors proud, and we have an event that genuinely surprises me.