Sunday, April 23, 2017

G5, P3: Fire, Fire, and Fired

"I know it's night time, but why is it so dark all of a sudden?"

Well fuck.

When we left off last time, Lydia had killed the babysitter (although not the one she initially wanted) and was heading out to find and kill yet another teenager, Blaine was in the nursery, hungry and ready for bed, Elvis was supposed to be going to feed him and put him in his crib, Sebastian had just gotten home from a friend's house, when Bronwyn (who'd also just arrived home) let us know of our impending doom.

In case someone has never seen that notification before, a meteor is coming to strike the house/yard.

Alright, Lydia should already have left, so EVERYONE ELSE GET ACROSS THE STREET!!

"But, what about me?"

You're a toddler, Blaine. The game isn't going to kill you.

"I hungy!!"

Yeah, try to hang in there and not go code red on me, okay? That's your job, Blaine, you've got one job and that's it!

Oh, and while taking this picture I realized that Lydia didn't actually leave, she's right there behind my simself. At this point, impact is imminent and I know Lydia has a deathflower, so I don't even bother with her.

Here it comes. Since Bronwyn was in the yard when she sounded the alarm, I'm hopeful that the meteor will hit the yard and not the house itself.

YES! It did hit the yard and not the house.

Elvis, Bronwyn, and Sebastian are all safely across the street in the purple house's yard. Blaine is safe upstairs in the nursery, so that leaves one wild card. Where are you, Lydia, you dumbass?

LOL! Well, hopefully you two dipshits won't die.


This? Not so much. ELVIS!! SEBASTIAN!! GET OVER HERE!!

"Hey! I made it!"

You did.

"Ima gonna go find that stupid ki... oh shit, FIRE!!"




"Okay, it's working now. SHIT!! Fire near the garage!!"

"Will you three fucking bitches SHUT THE FUCK UP??? YOU ARE NOT HELPING!!"

"You got this, right?"


"Jesus, you idiot, there's a fire right under you!! MOVE!!"

"I CAN'T!!"

"Where the HELL is Lydia??"

"You can run, little fucker, but you can't hide."


Elvis and Sebastian finally get the fire out, which is great because someone REALLY needs to go feed Blaine.

"I've got something else I'd rather do."

"That was the BEST!! What a rush!!"



"The fuck are you going on about?"

"I had to, practically, put that fire out by myself while you dicked around with the extinguisher, and nearly got your ass torched!!"

"Hey I did a DAMN good job while you were busy screaming at our fried neighbors!!"

"AND your fucking mother is nowhere to be found! You're every fucking bit as useless as she is!!"

"I am sick of BOTH you idiot's shit!!"

Speaking of Lydia, she's having some trouble with Duncan.

"Guess what?"


"One of those crazy Foxes is trying to kill me, but I'm just going to stand her in front of a rabbit hole where she can't, for HOURS!!"

"*giggle* OMG, Duncan! That's so rad!!"

"Come on, Grim! It's been such a long night already!"

"Do you have a flower?"

"A what?"


It was while I was watching Sebastian beg for his life that Lydia came home on autonomy, for reasons.

"It's a little c.c..c...c....cold."



LOL!! Idiot.

"She FROZE?? Seriously?? Like a popsicle?"

Yes, and you have the option to unfreeze her, so get going.

"*snort* *giggle*"


"Ha-ha-ha!! Okay, okay, unclench."

"Heh-heh-heh, *snort*"

You're not even looking.

"HA!! I know, *giggle* trust me, if I look, we'll never get this done. *laugh*"

He finally thaws Lydia out and I send her inside to warm up.

Not inside HER house. Come on, a homicidal sociopath still has shit to do!

"Finally, you little dick."

"Zzzzzzzzzz Chopin, wha? zzzzzzzzZ"

And then she took a nice, hot bath, because apparently these people have never heard of showers.

Blaine survives to have his birthday the next morning. He rolled even for his trait, so he's now insane, evil, and clumsy. The villain who really wants to be super but just can't get his shit together.

So nothing else of note was happening that day. I gave up on trying to get that babysitter for Lydia, he won't come back. Blaine went to the park or something, the other kids are at school, Elvis was working, Lydia was probably sleeping it off, when the camera jerks me across town to the trailer park.

After some momentary confusion as to whythefuck did the game bring me here, I realize pretty quick that it looks like there was a fire.

As everything finishes rendering I can see that there IS a fire, a sim is caught up in it, and I'm guessing the game wants me to have time to save her or some such nonsense.


Oh Ericka, you poor immigrant with the stupid, Maxis-spelled name, you picked the wrong game of mine to burn up in. In any of my other games (well, almost) I'd have sent someone to save your ass.

This game?

 Hell, with nothing else going on, I do appreciate EriCKa giving me something to gawk at.

If this doesn't interest you, you're gonna have to scroll.

 "Oh god, it's everywhere!! HEEELLLLLLP!!!!"

"MY ARM!! Where's my arm??"

"Come on, come onnnnnnn........."


"I'M STILL ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!"

"AHHHHHHH, it's in my colon!!! Why aren't you helping me???"

"I think it's out! Oh thank god, it's out!!"


Sheila Bowie, EriCKa's neighbor from across the street, comes to gawk, as all good neighbors do.

"Damn, that shit is HOT!! Maybe I ought to call the fire department or that 911 or somethin'."

*Does absolutely nothing*

"It's starting to rain. Maybe that'll help."

I can't even get mad. Sheila is my soul sister, we're both doing fuck-all.

EriCKa, on the other hand,


The fire has moved to the other end of the trailer, so her ass is the only thing still burning on her side.

I do think she's glitched. I don't remember how long it takes sims to burn, I think only an hour or so, but regardless, it's way less time than this girl's been freaking the fuck out in here.

"Ok, OK, new plan! I'm gonna piss myself out!"

There you go, girl! Work with what you got!


Sorry, kid. I was rootin' for ya'!!

Anyway, eventually my active family beckoned and I had to leave EriCKa to her firey death privacy.

"I can't believe you made me waste a perfectly good opportunity."

"I look like a fucking ORANGE Dr. Manhattan!!!"

Welcome back, Sebastian. Sort of.

Lydia learned the ambrosia recipe (see, I'm improving!) and within a few hours.....


It was somewhere around here that I saved and quit the game, forgetting completely to check back in on EriCKa. When I restarted later on, I popped over to the trailer park and .................

EriCKa is just fine, standing out in her yard (looking like she'd just been reset, honestly).

"NO thanks to you!! You're a horrible person!!"


Even her dark ass trailer shows no sign of burns or pee puddles. Clearly, it just wasn't EriCKa's time and the purpose of the entire exercise was to amuse the hell out of me. Props, EriCKa!!

"What the hell is on your face?"




 "Heh-heh, NOW I can go to bed."

"No one saw that, right?"

You knew she was there. You looked right at her. I'm embarrassed to call you my sim.

Buttmunch: "Ima jus gonna hang out here and block ur bathroom door. That's cool, right?"

Luckily there is another door into that bathroom.

"There appears to be a minor flaw in mah otherwise masturful plan."

"Yeah, baby!!!"

Elvis manages to hold off on killing anyone, almost, (and buying every career related reward AND doing every possible opportunity) long enough to become CEO! I'm convinced that it's because he only had to make it to level 8 of that career. And for reasons unknown, he did not get fired for killing Sebastian. I didn't even realize it until he got his LTW. I had lost track of what career level he was on. Way to go, man!

"I'm telling you, nobody likes that little bastard."

"Gather 'round, motherfuckers!!"

It's someone's birthday. I let her have a party because I figure SOMEONE will piss her off and win me points.

"Heh-heh. I think I've killed at least one family member of every person here."

Between you, your cousin, and your Dad, most definitely.

"Cheer, assholes!!"

Regan plasters on her customer service grin and gives one clap.

Red Chick: "*blaaaaat* Fuck this bitch *blaaaaat*"

"Oh good lord no!!"

"Much better!"

To my great disappointment, the party goes off without a single wish to murder anybody. It's like you're not even trying, Lydia.

Sheep: "I have seen some shit."

Uh, Blaine? Sweetie?

You really ought to wear clothes when you go to a friend's house.

"I don't have any other clothes."

What did you wear to school?



"Plus the floor's all wet, so it's just as well."

You could play somewhere else in the house. Like, where the floor isn't wet.


"I got invited to a friend's house, too!"

A decision Greg is going to come to regret.

Damn, that blue hair will not surrender. Turns out that Greg's mother is Rita. Thomas had to wait until she'd given birth to Greg before killing her.

Nope, turns out it was Elvis. They're even still in the same house.

Look at it this way, Greg, at least Elvis didn't kill your father, leaving you to be raised by my increasingly apathetic simself.

"Oh no, not again!! Greg!!!"

Sorry, Fred.

"I'm not! This is the BEST!!"

Thus Sebastian locks in hot-headed for his final, young adult trait, securing him a long-term spot in the house. Guess who's taking over the garden, kiddo?

"WHAT did you say to me??"

Stephanie: "I said that you're a mean, insensitive, sexist piece of shit!!"

"No, that other thing!"

"That you look like Tim Gunn if he got dressed in the dark after an all night bender??"

Yep, that was it.

Stephanie: "What the hell just happened?"

Elvis was lightening fast, so quick that not only did I not get a picture, but I re-queued the kill because I thought she'd moved, making him drop the action.

"Bitch please, I do not miss."

"*gasp* Why is that guy *wheeze* wearing that *hack* stupid hat?? *thunk*"

"I do NOT look like Tim Gunn after a bender. I am the best dressed person in this whole fucking town."

Mmmhmm, get in the house before you get arrested. (Learning!!)

"This party is unsatisfactory."

"MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!! Some bitches gonna die!!"

Not that particular bitch.

"Not yet!!"

"My dad is awesome!!"

Hey! Blaine got pointy ears! This is my first time really seeing his profile.

"Hmph. My hat is NOT stupid."

It is, really. Unless you're Jamie Hyneman.

Elvis will not be reaching level 10 of his career any time soon.

LOL! Cordell is his boss, this was a work opportunity related party and he was the guest of honor. Sheila is EriCKa's wholly unhelpful neighbor. The other two I think were just there, although they may be his co-workers. I never checked.

The guy in the beret may be Cordell but I've got no photographic proof.

I paused and used Mastercontroller to get Stephanie's grave from the mausoleum before I forget, only it's not there. It's also nowhere in the yard. She died right there on the porch and her urn/grave are nowhere to be found. She's also not showing up in "focus" so I'm pretty damn sure she died. I'll try again the next time I restart the game but .... weird.

Cordell, on the other hand, was very easy to find.

"Didn't anyone tell you what happens to sims who fire me, Cordy??"

"They get a bonus?"

"He's not dying! Why isn't he dying?"

*sigh* I don't fucking know. We're at the library, we've killed plenty of sims here before. Let me reset him and you can try at his house.

"You always were a difficult boss, Cordy!"

"*gasp* What the hell is going on??"

"*SOB* I killed my boss! My best friend!!"

You knew what you were doing. Now quit sobbing and get in the house!



"Alright, alright, I'm going. Damn!"

Seriously, it's like they want to get arrested.

"But now I don't get an audience. If I don't have an audience what the hell am I even doing here?"

Your job. Don't worry, you'll see Elvis a bunch more before the next 24 hours are out.

"Tee hee! I hide in heah wheh no one find me!!"

Aw, poor little Grant.

"Where dis?"

Don't worry, Grant. A grumpy lady in a green sweater will be out to fetch you shortly.

"Dats ok. I wait."

He wasn't in the yard the next time I checked, so I'm assuming that my simself, or someone, came out to get him.

"Time for me to go to bed!"

You do that, Shannon.

"Um, are you SURE she's asleep?"



AF. Kill it!!

"It's what I live for."

She kept that look on her face until she faded. Good riddance, you nightmare.

Who the hell's Albert?

"Dunno, but he lives here."

Fine, go get him.

"I'm getting kind of warm."

You're leaving soon anyway.

Or you can change clothes, sure.

"Zzzzzzzzzz CSI's will find you zzzzzzzzzzzZ"


Sheila is next. She's still in the trailer across the street from EriCKa.

"Your decor is hideous, Sheila."

Regan is a role sim, so she's not in town at the moment. We'll try to find her in the morning.

Stephanie has finally been located, on the BACK porch, on the other side of the house (and with this house, that's saying something) from where she died. So she now resides in the yard with our three other non-household sims.

We'll end it here. Coming up next chapter, Bronwyn becomes a teenager (and Elvis invites Regan), and her party goes the way typical Fox parties go.