"Okay, remember that chick you met at the park, Kyle?"
"Yeah."
"Do me a solid and invite her over for me."
"Why?"
"Cause I don't have her phone number."
So Alex calls Kyle and invites her to come over and
"Is someone calling me?"
"Yes, that's Stuart, my nephew."
"Oh, what does he want?"
"Beats me."
Kyle: "Hey, Alex? About your nephew?"
"Yeah, he's an asshole."
"No kidding!"
"Well I'm not playing. BYE!!"
"Uh, did she die orrrrr......?"
Nope, she didn't die. There's no ash pile, no ghost, Grim never came. She simply disappeared, not even showing up in Master Controller Focus.
"What the fuck is up with your friends, Alex?"
"I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to stick around, Stuart, you're so charming."
I guess we'll keep an eye out and see if we can invite her to parties.
Anyway, welcome back to the Killer Legacy. Last chapter, Stuart met new residents Tango and Mel Hitler, hooked up with Zelda Mae, and really did nothing to help with the massive library housefire caused by the fireplace.
"What do you mean you have no idea who Kyle is? You're teenagers! Don't you little shits all know each other?"
"What do you want from me, Stuart? I said I have no idea who she is, I don't know what else to say!"
Stuart is the oddest duck. He has picked fights with Celine at least twice before this but never wishes to be mean to her. Normally when I have good sims and evil/mean-spirited sims together, the evil sim constantly wishes to be mean to the good one, but Stuart hasn't wished for it once.
He makes himself feel better by inviting Agnes Crumplebottom over for a visit.
"Uh, I invited YOU, Agnes, not you and ................ a baby."
"Yeah, sorry about that. I'd hired this girl to babysit but she never showed. Teenagers today, you know? I know you have kids so I thought you wouldn't mind."
"Yeah, I do have kids, I guess. They'll play with him if I tell them to."
"She's hot!"
If you say so, man.
An hour or so later,
"Sure, I'll dump my husband to go out with you! Why not?"
Number 9!
"I'm so happy, Agnes! Would you like to spend the night?"
"I'd love to!"
"Great! Go make yourself comfortable. There's something I need to do but it shouldn't take long."
Agnes was married to Connor Frio.
Death doesn't knock, it crackles.
"I hope you and Agnes are happy! You're both horrible people!"
"Eh."
"I don't even like her, honestly. I'll probably break up with her tomorrow."
"WHAT??"
"My goodness, this place is a SIGHT. They need to fire their cleaning service."
"All these ash piles everywhere. So disrespectful."
"I mean, doesn't everyone like a tidy workplace?"
You know it's bad when even Grim is tired of seeing dirt piles all over the place.
"Oh for pete's sake, what is your problem now?"
"Grandpa is dead! *SOB*"
"Get over it, man, he didn't even like you."
"*SOB*"
"Why are you so heartless? Is it because you're so weird looking?"
"Fuck off, Junior. YOU'RE weird looking!"
"Hey, I look like Dad. I don't even know who you look like."
"Hello! I'm Celine, Alex is my father."
"That's great, hon. I'm in my nightie, here, and you're way too close. So if you could back up about 3 or 4 feet, that'd be swell."
"What's your favorite food? I really like cookies!"
"Okay Stuart, I don't know where the hell you are, but you can come home any time now."
"HaHAAAA! You're stuck talking to Alex's Dutch kid!!"
She's French.
"Like I fucking care."
Agnes: "What did you need to talk to me about?"
Stuart: ".............................................."
HEY!! *clap clap* Eyes up top, mister!! Stay the course!!
"We're breaking up."
"What? Why?"
"You're old. Like, really old. I mean, this was fun for one night but I'm not sticking around for you to get all saggy and gross."
"You asshole."
"Fine, you worthless punk! You're no great catch yourself!"
"And just so you know, it isn't common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!!"
Rachel Green™
"Oh really."
I think Jamie is his only surviving ex.
"Look at it this way, Agnes. You get to die looking young .. er."
"A curse on you, Stuart Fox!!"
"Oh no! My poor, dear friend!!"
Junior: "Why is this taking so long?"
"This house is too big!!"
LOL! Grim materialized on the other side of the library wall so he has to float all the way around to the front doors.
Only to complain that Agnes is not in the exact right spot.
"What the hell? I floated all the freakin' way over here and she can't even move over??"
Agnes whooshed unceremoniously into her grave without a word to Grim.
"Your family is a damn menace!! The town sent two orphans to live with Hank and I. We didn't even get a choice!! They just moved them in with us! We have our own kids, you know!! You people should be locked up!"
Stuart ran into Pauline Wan at the pool.
"No worries, Pauline. I'll see to it that you don't have to take care of any more kids."
"You better."
He's gonna.
"You're all assholes!!"
"Thank you."
Stewie successfully teleports out of Dodge and heads over to the sports bar to visit an old family friend.
"What's the matter with you, Ian? You've been shaky and nervous all night."
"Uh, nothing. Probably too much caffeine. Yeah, too much caffeine."
"Hm. Yeah, you gotta watch that stuff, man."
Meet Stella everyone. She finally decided to be born, freeing up her mother to die violently at the hands of Stuart.
"I am not gonna play the game."
Stella is a slobby couch potato who will crawl clear across the house to the tv the very second she has any free will.
"Hello, Zelda."
Trapped in her nightmare world, Zelda tries desperately to run away from the faceless killer that she knows is right behind her, but her legs feel made of lead. She runs and runs but gets nowhere. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. She tries to force herself awake.
To no avail. He catches her. She feels the blows raining down on her. A bat? A large stick? A pipe? She cannot tell. It does not matter.
It is the nightmare from which she will never awaken.
"Can I get a hamster?"
No.
In the new former Landgraab house on the cliff overlooking the water.....
"Miss Kristin? There's a boy out in the yard wearing only a t-shirt and underwear."
"I don't suppose he came home from school with one of you?"
"*yawn* I don't think so. It's one o'clock in the morning."
"Great."
Langston, Zelda's son with Christopher Steele, moves into the Simself orphanage, filling it to capacity. The Foxes have already killed so many sims that there are very few extended family trees. There just aren't any living grandparents, aunts or uncles, or older siblings for these kids to go to.
"Why are you always yelling at me?"
"I don't know! I don't like you!!"
Still no kill wish.
The next day Stuart heads to the coffee house, hoping to scope out girlfriend number ten. He's in luck. A fine specimen of a woman is already there.
"Hey! You're Melanoma Hitler, right? That Tango guy's wife. Remember me? I'm Stuart. I was at your house a couple of days ago. I left right after you got home."
"You came to my house? On purpose?"
"Yeah, I chatted with Tango for quite a while."
"Oh. He's got a couple of friends, now. Are you that intern that works at his office? Or are you that guy he wants to invest in his country club and golf course?"
"Um, he said something about a golf course, and a snowman. I definitely don't work at his office. I don't need a job, my family has a ton of money."
"STUART!! Hiiiiii!!!"
"I'm so happy to see you! Tango never stops talking about you. Funny how he's never mentioned how handsome you are!"
LOL!!
"You look really ......... colorful! That is a LOT of make up."
"Wow, you're shiny!"
I don't even know.
Easy-peasy. There was just one thing in the way.
"I think you should divorce the excess orange baggage and go out with a real man."
"Well, you're rich?"
"Worth over a million."
"Well fuck my pre-nup!! Tango who?"
No worries, Mel. Even if Tango won't give you a divorce, Stuart has you covered.
Where did she go?
"Who?"
Who?!? Mel! Potential girlfriend number ten. You can't just kiss her, you have to ask her to be your girlfriend for this to count.
"Oh. She said she had to pee right quick."
Stuart waited for Mel to finish, and instead of her coming back out to him, he followed her into the bathroom.
"*gag* Ugh, the toilet's clogged!"
Just in case the public restroom atomsphere wasn't romantic enough, Mel drops a deuce and clogs the john, filling the air with eau-de-stankass.
"AhhMahGahd!! This toilet is overflowing!!"
"Why thank you, Stuart! It IS a new suit. I bought it for my new job in business!"
It was good enough for Stewie and Mel. Muart? Stuarnoma? Stel? Eh.
Stuart gets his lifetime wish and some woohoo!
Afterwards he leaves Mel to do whatever a cheating ex-wife does while he goes and takes care of business.
"Shut up, Idionka!! Your bitch of a mother has been gone all day and Daddy has to figure out how to use this dumb stove!!"
"I DON'T FUCKING CARE, SOMEBODY NEEDS TO FEED ME NAOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
Idionka is a slobby couch potato who inherited her father's .................. fake tan.
"Evening, Tango."
"GO AWAY! You are a BAD HOMBRE and I am NOT talking you!!"
"I'm not here to talk, Tango."
"BLAHBLAHBLAH I can't hear you!! BLAHBLAHBLAH!!"
"OWWWWW!!! That HURTS!! MOMMMMMYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....."
All we are is dust in the wind.....
"Hee-hee, big fat Tango is a pile of dust!"
Hey Stew, how about you reach over and take that pot of mac and cheese off the stove so the house doesn't catch fire?
"Yeah no."
"What the hell is going on in here?"
"Your baby won't quit screaming."
"Actually, I am here to harvest the soul of your husband."
"Yeah, good luck finding that. Why is there macaroni and cheese just burning on the stove?? Do I have to do every damn thing around here?"
"Whatever, Grim. This town is full of losers and nobodies! I'm better than all of them, everybody says so. I'm the very best guy there is, you ask anyone!! I'm the very bestest, greatest, smartest..."
"OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP AND GO!!!"
Thus ends Tangerine Hitler's brief but memorable stint in Sunset Valley.
What's next for Melanoma and Idionka Hitler? Find out next time.
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