Because of course the first thing you wish for after, well, pushing out a baby doesn't seem to be quite accurate, let's just say materializing a baby, is to kill your cousin.
Last chapter, Stuart hooked up with Jamie Jolina, who had been married to Cycl0n3 Sw0rd. Stuart handled his feelings for his girlfriend's ex-husband in a mature, thoughtful fashion by showing up at his house and stabbing him while he was making mac and cheese, presumably for his starving, stinky toddler, TJ.
After killing Cycl0n3, Stewie decided he was hungry and finished making the mac and cheese, only instead of eating it, he ran outside and got abducted by aliens. The aliens pollinated him and sent him back to Sunset Valley. All signs seem to indicate that Jamie got home and fed TJ before he starved to death.
No one believed that Stewie was actually impregnated by aliens, so Tyler made fun of him for being fat. Stew handled that about as well as you'd think, but he had to wait on fulfilling his wish because alien baby waits for nobody.
"OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!"
His "labor" was less than two hours, big frickin' baby.
"Oh my god, it's pink!!!"
Look how fast he lost that baby belly. That ain't right.
"Umm, neither is this. That was fast."
Okay, one other change from when I was following the challenge rules. I hate sim infants. HAAAAATE. They are too boring for the amount of attention they require, so unless I'm playing a challenge that forbids it, I always skip the infant stage and age them up to toddler immediately.
So my non-existent conversation with Stewie went something like this,
You have to pick a name for her.
"I don't give a fuck."
Just pick something.
"You can name her Idontgiveafuck for all I care."
I'm not naming a baby that, pick a damn name.
"FINE! What was Grandma's name?"
Virginia.
"Sure. That. Virginia."
So meet Virginia Fox. I rolled her traits and she is insane and she hates the outdoors.
Virginia crawled off to the block toy while her father had some business to take care of.
"How about now, you little punk?? Do I look fat now??"
"Whoa Stew, calm down! I don't know how you did it but yeah, you look a lot better."
NotHasselhoff: "He looks pretty fine to me!"
"Calm down. Fuck you calm down, TYLER."
"Dammit, again??"
"We are no longer friends."
"*SOB* But why??"
I don't know how Stewie manages to be so psychotic and yet so pathetic.
"Oh no!! Poor Tyler!! What happened? Did he fall down?"
Don't cry, sweetie, he's coming right back.
"Really?"
Grim: "Wow, you do have an endless supply!"
Right?? I hate wasting this many flowers on a teen who's never even killed anyone, but I need a baby raiser, and someone to take over the cooking skill from Alex, and I don't think Celina and Rory are going to make it. Tyler's already evil, if he gets mean-spirited for his young adult trait, there's hope for him.
"Wait, how did he do that? Where did that flower come from? How did he get so skinny?"
"Excuse me, sir? May I please ask you a question?"
"Sure, Celina, what do you want to know?"
"How do you know my name?"
"I know everyone, it's my job."
"Oh. What was that flower Tyler gave you? Is that why you let him come back? Because he gave you a flower?"
"Ah, the flowers. They seem like such a small thing, don't they? Let me explain. After sims were first created, it rapidly became apparent that, collectively, you lot aren't very bright. You try fixing televisions and dishwashers when you've never so much as changed a light bulb. You stand outside in lightening while holding metal umbrellas. You only recently figured out to climb out of a pool without a ladder, and even now some of you still can't seem to grasp the whole climbing/ladder concept. And even if you finally understand that cow plants large enough to eat you may do just that, you still seem to do inexplicably odd things like eat the beans off of a plant you know nothing about. In short, you all seem to be somewhat fragile, so it seemed only fair to give the more intelligent ones among you a way to bribe yourselves out of death.
The flowers are very special. Not only can the not be grown by anyone but a master gardener, their seeds can be difficult to find, you can't even replant one flower to grow more, it will only reproduce itself. So not many sims will be able to grow them, especially in any significant quantity.
And to top it off, they have the cutest little faces!! I just find them irresistible. I can't grow them myself, so I can only get them from sims, though this is the first time in my tenure that I've gotten quite so many. Regardless, letting one of you live a little longer is a small price for such a precious little plant."
"Wow! I had no idea. Thank you!"
"You're very welcome! Is there anything else you want to know?"
"Yes! Do you like cookies? I LOVE cookies! If I were a grim, I would not be bribed with flowers, I would be bribed with cookies! They are my very favorite! I like M&M cookies the best. What is your favorite cookie? Do you even eat?"
This child will converse with anyone. Hopefully Grim is not needed elsewhere any time soon.
"Alright...... hold still you asshole, don't mess me up...."
"DAMMIT!!!"
"This game SUCKS!! And there are people in my house. Why are there people in my house??"
"I threw a party, Tesla. Calm the fuck down."
"Hey y'all!! You like my costume??"
Great. I'm pregnant. With Xander Clavell's baby. JFC.
I couldn't even find him on the property. It's not an honor roll/A in school thing, no school today. No idea what burr got up Alex's butt.
Also?
It's a costume party, boys. That means put your cutest dress-up outfits on.
Tesla and Stewie: "Hell no."
Alex: "But I got important shit to do!"
They changed anyway.
Stuart and Alex got off pretty easy.
"Hey Tesla!! You look MOOvalous!!"
That was awful.
"I think I look pretty vicious, thank you."
Alex waited a few minutes for Malcolm to show up at the party, he did get an invitation. Finally I went looking for him.
Damn son! You are all the way across town! What the hell did you even do?
"What? I don't know what you're talking about. If you'll excuse me, I have somewhere to be."
He got into a cab,
and drove to the party, fashionably late as fuck. He changed into his costume at the door and went to the party room, probably thinking all was well.
"You are late!"
"I'm .. I'm sorry! I lost track of time and was at that dive bar I'm not supposed to hang out in. It was a long drive."
"Well now you'll have nothing but time, Malcolm!"
"Help!! Darlene, help me!!"
"Not now, Malcolm!! I'm in the zone! I'm gonna win this one!"
"NOOOO!! I don't wanna die a hot dog!!"
"Oh my god, someone is killing hot dogs!! Vita, arrest him, quick!!"
"I'm not a real cop, Agnes."
"This is amazing! Which Sunset Valley icon can I kill next?"
Can you get more iconic than Mortimer Goth?
Me: "Alex, you motherfucker!!!"
"You just gave me a truckload of shitty moodlets! Now my baby is going to be born an unlucky loser or some such shit!!"
Mortimer: "Yeah. Let me tell you about real problems, lady."
Alex: "Well that's rude."
You're going to have to wait, I have a pregnancy pass.
This you don't have to wait on.
"I'm next, aren't I?"
"Damn, Alex! Why you gotta always kill people in groups? Now I gotta mourn for hours instead of finishing my game!"
Grim: "This is perfection! I adore parties!"
Darlene: "Man. I should have just gone trick or treating."
I disagree, mofoes. I think this party is f-ing legendary!!
Alex has a full evening planned.
Morty: "Whatever. This is so stupid."
Malcolm: "Please, please at least let me change my clothes!!"
"Where is Celina? I would think this would interest her."
At the other end of the house snarfing on .......... I can't quite tell. Not cookies.
"I have a feeling something is going on, and as soon as I'm done eating I will go investigate!"
She somehow keeps missing actually seeing her family members kill people, so so far she's lucked out in the moodlet department.
You can add as many cops as you want, you're still not getting in the house.
As soon as the "get arrested" action drops, Alex teleports to the Landgraab house to kill Geoffrey.
"Where the hell did he go?"
Good question. Geoffrey was there when Alex first arrived, but then he got caught in Error Trap and disappeared.
"You! This is your fault!!"
"What? Why is it my fault?"
"I don't know, you're his mother and everyone knows it's always Mom's fault."
"I'm not his mother, you idiot, I'm his wife!!"
"Nancy?"
"Yes!!"
"Wait, I thought you were younger than Geoffrey. Like, decades younger. Golddiggers always are."
"Excuse me? I am not a golddigger, you brainless putz! I was the wealthy one when we got married! How could you be this ignorant?? Isn't it bad enough you stole my family's land right out from under me??"
Heh-heh, sim irony.
"In that case, you can join your boytoy in the afterlife."
"*gasp* Malcolm will avenge my death!!"
"Nope. I killed that little goody-two-shoes a few hours ago."
"DAMMIT!!"
Parker's sister.
"He's here."
So while Alex is killing the remaining Landgraabs, Stewie was out on a date.
Connie had asked Stewie out right in the middle of the
Where in the 10 or so sim minutes I'd been gone, Geoffrey got old.
Geoffrey: "Really? Couldn't put it off for 10 damn minutes so I could be a handsome, younger ghost?"
"I didn't make you old, sweetheart. I only collect people when it's their time."
Iliana's husband, Parker and Kaylynn's father.
While Alex waits out the cops and drives to the Langerak house, Connie becomes girlfriend number 5.
"*SOB* Oh Malcolm, why didn't you pick a cooler costume, like the Llama mascot??"
Kaylynn dies a cheerleader.
And where are her parents while she is being brutally murdered in the hallway?
"♫ Let's get it on... ♫"
"Dustin, you sexy beast, I think I hear something going on in the hallway. Be a love and go check it out?"
"Anything for you, my gorgeous ............. sex muffin."
That sucking sound you hear is vaginas all across Simlandia drying up like sponges in the desert sun.
Mark: "Man, I'm tired. Can I go to bed yet?"
I hate to tell you, kiddo, but you're gonna be bunking at my simself's house tonight. And every night after that until you grow up. Or die horribly. The odds are roughly 50/50.
"Hey, Alex!! Nice job cleaning out the Landgraabs! Have I told you that you look extra fine tonight?"
"No, but thanks man! Always nice to hear!"
"She's asleep."
Yep.
"I killed her daughter and her husband, and she sleeps through it all."
Actually, she and Dustin woohooed through the death of their daughter. Iliana only slept through the death of her husband.
"And people say we're cold."
"Zzzzzz gorgeous sex muffin zzzzzZ"
I'm going to go out on a limb and declare Iliana a touch self-involved.
She makes a very easy target.
"I was having the best dream, about my favorite person! How very rude of you to awaken me!"
"And now look at me! I'm being splinched by a side table. A SIDE TABLE!!"
Alex's arm is being splinched by the wall. I'm going with the "It's Your House" theory, Iliana.
"I'm still prettier than Kaylynn!"
"I live here, now?"
Yep, go on in.
"Is the lady that lives here nice?"
*crosses fingers behind back* Sure, she's a very ........... accommodating person. You're gonna love her.
So Iliana decided that she was not going to go quietly into the night.
Grim left after Dustin and never came back for Iliana. I have theories about that. Anyway, the house closed up and kicked Alex out. Later on it became apparent that Iliana is the new Alexandra or Justine (I think that was her name, maybe Jessica?). She never went to the graveyard and behaves like an active ghost. She got another job and I get notifications about her once in awhile. I haven't seen her around town, yet, but I'm sure I will at some point. Because It's All About Her.
"It's about time you got me. I thought I was going to be stuck in that stank swamp-shack forever!"
"It is a damn fine day to go break up with.... what the hell? Whose baby is this?"
Yours. With Jamie Jolina, remember? He needs a name.
"Oh fuck off. We've been over this."
Stuart!
"BYE!!!"
*sigh*
Meet Stuart Jr.
"Where my toys at?"
He's an athletic slob. He was born last night but, thanks to Alex's shenanigans, I didn't have time to grab him until morning.
Most of the baby raising falls to Rory and Tyler. Alex will do some of it if he's awake and around, but Tesla only as a last resort, and Stuart won't have anything to do with them.
Tesla gets old at a party thrown by Cornelia Goth.
Stewie is also at the party but instead of cheering for his dad,
he decides that Vita Alto has lived long enough.
Seriously, fuck you, Vita.
"Why so serious, Vita?"
"What are you doing in here? You didn't even kn.."
"I promise this won't take long."
I don't think that's her concern.
Grim agrees with Stewie, shooing Vita into her grave without so much as a "would you like fries with that?"
The next day, Stuart has more mundane business to take care of. He asks Connie out to the coffee house, and she accepts.
"You're not my girlfriend anymore, I'm dumping you."
"What? Why?"
"I want to."
"Grrrrrrrrrrr."
Stewie's break-ups usually go one of two ways, and I don't force it either way. He does the breaking up, then the woman either gets mad and yells at him, or .............
they simply walk away. Smart, Connie. You might get to die of old age.
Stuart wastes no time. He leaves the coffee house and goes to the arcade, looking for
"So, are you pregnant?"
Jade: "Not anymore, my baby is almost a toddler."
"Sweet."
Not that it would really matter. She probably never changed out of her maternity clothes from before.
Girlfriend number 6.
They rock the photo booth, of course. Then Jade comes out, the camera zooms in on her, lags, then she spins into the exact same outfit she already had on, and rubs her belly. I'm so confused that I forget to take pictures.
"I AM pregnant! Stiles is going to be so happy!!"
Ohhhhhhhh! It's Stiles McGraw's baby, not Stuart's. Duh. I had them risky woohoo and I thought it must be one hell of a glitch to take that fast. This makes a lot more sense. She broke up with Stiles to go out with Stuart.
"You are pregnant?"
"Yes!"
"Whose is it?"
"Stiles'!"
"Who?"
You don't know him. Your dad killed his first wife, Monika, ages ago. Y'all are like a really twisted version of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" around here.
"Oh."
"DAMMIT, JADE!!"
Oh shit.
"YOU LIED TO ME!!!"
"I didn't mean to! I didn't know I was pregnant! It's the simgod's fault! She saw my clothes, she should have checked!!"
Yeah, I could have. Eh.
"We are OVER, you slut!! I'm not woohooing any damaged goods!!"
Pffft, you're not nearly that fussy.
"YOU shut up!"
Jade becomes a lesson in what not to do after a Fox break-up.
"You know what?"
Don't do it, girl! Swallow your pride and walk away!
"You are a sad, pathetic little loser. I'll bet you dump your new girlfriends so fast so you'll beat them to it. More than five minutes with you and they'll drop you like they forgot to grab a pot holder."
"And lord knows, five minutes is more than you'll ever need in bed!!"
"You ................ you.........."
Yep. That's how it goes.
You gotta wait, Stew. She just popped, it's going to be a bit.
"Oh I can wait. I can wait real good."
"Well then I guess you're good at something."
Since Stuart has been temporarily muzzled, I leave them be and go check in on Alex.
Quiana, former Stuart girlfriend number ............. dammit, hang on .................... alright she was number 4, right after Jamie and before Connie. Anyway, she asked Alex out on a date. Oh, another fun fact, she and Jade are sisters. Small town, Sunset Valley.
She asks Alex out on a date to the graveyard........................................................ playing with fire there, aren't you Quiana?
"Um, I thought this was a date. Did you actually need a babysitter?"
"No. My stupid sister was supposed to watch Laura, but she bailed on me at the last minute. She didn't even say why, only that she wasn't home and wouldn't be back in time. Bitch."
"Oh. Maybe we should do this another time?"
"Oh come on, man!! I came all the way out here. I just need a fucking night out once in awhile! Is that too much to ask??"
"No, I just thought.."
"You thought WHAT?? That you were going to get some pussy tonight? I'm sorry, is my baby blocking your cock??"
LOL! I really like Quiana. She's exactly the type of person the Foxes deserve. Unfortunately, they don't take very well to the type of people they deserve.
"Oh sure. Kill me. Fine! You fucking asshole. You're uglier than your fat sloth of a brother, you know that?"
"He's my nephew."
I love that Alex knew exactly who Quiana was talking about.
"Wait, really? How old are you?"
Laura: "HEY!! Watch where you're swinging that thing!!"
"Hi, Laura! Don't worry, sweetie, I wouldn't hurt you."
Yet.
Stewie likes to giggle, Alex likes to wave. It's kind of adorable in a really fucked up sort of way.
Grim: "What is that baby doing with the ashes? Honey, what's on your finger? Oh my lawd, please tell me that child didn't just.."
EW NO!!! She's picking her nose! She's a toddler, for crying out loud!
"Oh, phew........Ew!!! Don't yell at me! I have seen some fucked up shit in just the last few years. I don't even know anymore."
"Okay, can she stop that now? I cannot do my best work while trying not to hurl."
Laura: "It's stuck!!"
"Young lady, I said to stop that right now! I don't care how tired you...STOP!! You....do you think I won't put you six feet under? I will, little lady, you just try me!!"
"No you won't! You won't do anything!"
"Such disrespect. I should put in for a transfer."
I hear Riverview is pretty quiet these days.
"Oh fuck it, there's no decent men left in this town anyway."
"You were raising a disgusting little hellion, fyi. At least now there's hope for her."
"Sooooo, now what? Do I have to go live with that orphanage lady?"
You have a living father, kid. Somewhere. I'm sure he'll come and get you at some point.
Laura poofed away a minute or so later, to go dig boogers somewhere else.
Coming up next chapter, more iconic sims bite the dust, and Iqbal Alvi (VJ and Miraj's dad) earns the "Make 'Em Work For It" card. Even I was impressed, and nowadays that's saying something.
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