Wednesday, April 19, 2017

G5, P2: That's One Helluva Cliffhanger.

Still here?

"I need to think."

Existential crisis?

"I have never been so overworked for such a long period of time. I'm thinking of retiring. Somewhere warm."

You're not going anywhere and you know it.

Welcome back to the Killer Legacy! We are on generation five, with Sebastian and Bronwyn being born last chapter. Sebastian is the son of Lydia and Isabel. Isabel was Lydia's wife of a week or so before Thomas killed her, triggering the accomplishment of Lydia's lifetime wish. Bronwyn is the daughter of Elvis and I Don't Even Remember. Some chick he met at a party.

Jack managed to grow up with only one deathflower, and has been moved out into the wilds of Riverview. Except for getting a job as a chef Jack has stayed under the radar. I hear very little about him.

Bronwyn is an adorable toddler.

Rather against his will, Thomas is saddled with the task of teaching the toddlers their skills.

"Can you say 'crybaby', Winnie?"


"Very good! Now say, 'Sebastian is a crybaby.'"

"Batin a cybaby!!"

"Excellent! Now say 'knife'."

My simself: "Well, at least you're home for this party and not gallivanting around Riverview, dramatically decreasing the population."


But she also wants to know my sign.

LOL! Not happening, Lydia.

"I don't need to gallivant around town, you ugly shrew!!"

"It doesn't even matter, you dumb bitch! I'll be right back!"

"Way to go, kiddo! Now move it, I've got to get to the cake."

"Let's just get this over with."

"See you again, soon, I'm sure."

Rather than put my grave in the yard, I put my ashes in the bathroom, just because I can.

Sebastian, again, rolled odd for his trait. So he is now evil, insane, and mean-spirited. Nice!

"Meh meh, I'm Lydia. I think I'm a badass because I have a butch haircut and wear cooter shorts."

"Meh meh, I'm Elvis. I have greasy hair and can't hold a job."

"You dirty skank."

Can't leave these two on autonomy for a second.

"That's right, you lush, get yourself a niiiiiice drink."

"You fucking asshole!!"

"I'm so glad you keep coming back. Gutting you like a fish NEVER gets old!"

Aw, you upset that you killed your cousin, after all?

"*sob* Fuck no!! I got fired AGAIN! And I'm going to get arrested because YOU keep forgetting that the cops can get into the yard!"

"You may want to quit blubbering, sir. We don't provide tissues, and with our toilet paper, well, you might as well blow your nose with sandpaper."

The crap are you wearing?

"I'm on call. I was horseback riding."

As with his mother before him, Riverview employers complete lack of murder tolerance is going to really hamper Elvis' LTW achievement.

His boss.

Kathryn's been around a long time. You were way overdue, Kathy.

Huh. Well............

Get a move on, man! We're running out of time!

"What are you going on about?"

Uh ........ it's Winnie's birthday.

"Oh, already?"

Yeah. Time flies.



"Thanks for the party, Mom."

"So many to kill, so little time."

Let's start with your former boss.

"What are you doing in my house?"

"Why did you fire me!?"

"You murdered someone!!"

"It was my cousin!!"

"So what?"

"Maybe now you'll stay out of my family's business."

"Honey, I'm ho.."


"I wish I could fire you agaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiii...."

"Why are you wearing a helmet in the house?"

"So I don't hurt myself on the headboard."


"Trust me, man, I'm doing you a favor."

"Uh, I'm gonna need a favor."

That's Ross behind you.

"Fuck. Off."

They were an immigrant family with no other relatives in town.

"Mehmehmeh, I'm Kathryn, I'll come to the opening of an envelope cause I'm a little famewhore."

"The fuck are you going on about, Elvis?"

"You always showing up to our parties and living to tell about it, like you're so special."

"I get invited, you greasy dickwad!!"

"It's called hair gel you crusty old hag!!"

So long, Kathryn. No more parties for you! You honestly lasted a lot longer than I thought you would.

Moving on...

Percy was upstairs, asleep.

"He didn't even wake up when I killed Kathy!"

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz I love this house zzzzzzzzzzzz and its soundproof walls zzzzzzzzzzZ"

"Damn, I'm getting hungry."

"Look at it this way, now you have this huge house all to yourself!!"

"Yeah, I guess. Except I'll be lonely."

"Fine, be glass half-empty."

Back at home, at the end of his kill list, Elvis faces the inevitable.

"You are a terrible Uncle!! You always loved Lydia more than me!!"

LOL! Sorry, Tom. Elvis rolled his wish first.

"Time to go, you overgrown fuck boy."

"You ungrateful shit!! I raised you!!"

You did not. His mother and Shane did.

"*gasp* When I come back *wheeze* I'll have *gurgle* my revenge!!"

"Not this time, Thomas! Your life of destruction is finally over! You are going to your grave and staying there!"

It's true. He's near the end of his life bar, and I'd like to keep him in the yard.

"I'm your favorite, you soulless fucker."

"Can't say I'm going to miss you."

See you around, Tom! 67 lifetime kills! Way to go, man!

"If someone could roll me over to that piece of cake on the floor, that'd be spiffy!"

Elvis!! Come get your son!!

"In just a damn minute!!"

Blaine Fox rolled odd for both of his traits, so he is evil and insane, like Sebastian before him.  His mother is Kasey, whom Elvis wished to kiss at the festival, conceiving Blaine in the LLAMA I put on the lot just for that purpose.

NO Jack!! Don't do it!!

Phew. Jack's insanity was short-lived.

No idea why.

"Dad used to live here?"

Yup, until he was a teenager.

"Damn, what a shithole! No wonder he was angry all the time."

"Hey, I like this house, even if it does give me nightmares sometimes, and the pond has some really gross fish in it."

"Nobody asked you, motherfucker."

"You are being inappro.."


"I have that reward, so you can complain all you want."

Elvis gets his job back.

"I did not. I'm starting at least two demotions down. It's not fair."

Driver Carl: *got the Elvis-memo so he just quietly drives and prays for his life*

Blaine is a cute toddler.

Bronwyn has her birthday that same day.

Her father killed her best friend/Grandfather, so Auntie (second cousin-whatthefuckever) wins the cake lottery by virtue of having put her to bed and gotten her up a couple of times.

"And now she can take care of her damn self."

"I could smash this cake into Aunt Lydia's face. That would be funny."

"Hell yeah it would. And she's not your aunt."

Bronwyn rolled odd for her trait, so she is now evil, in addition to being insane and a heavy sleeper.

"What do you mean, she's not my aunt? She looks just like you."

"She's my cousin, and no she doesn't. She's a total wench."

"Well that's just wrong. What's a wench?"

"See how she dresses and acts? Just don't be like her."


"I am NOT the town bicycle!!"

"I never said you were. What the hell is your problem?"

It doesn't take much.

"I hate all you mouthy bitches that won't even give me the time of day."

"Maybe because you're a fucking lunatic?"

"Why does everyone keep saying that?"

You kill people. Lots of people.

"That's not crazy. That's efficient problem-solving."

"What the hell is up with all the blue hair in this town?"

Apparently it's a dominant gene. Why are you in the schoolyard?"

LOL! At the exact same time. I let Lydia have it because Elvis is working and she was already out. Out of curiosity I checked Antonia's school performance.

This would explain why my sims wish to kill so many teens they barely know or have never even met. Who knew "Honor Roll Rage" was such a thing?

Lydia follows Antonia home.

"No I am not knocked up!! Why would you even ask that?"

"Bitch, did you get dressed in the dark?? Have you looked in a mirror?"

"It's an offensive question!!"

"Hey, no skin off my back."

"It means I can do this."

"You bitch *gasp* you come into my house *wheeze* insult me *gasp* and break the sink!!"

"I didn't touch your sink!"

Ralph: "We get a swimming pool, lambie!!"

Someone invited Lydia to a party.

"What the fuck, Maxine? This is supposed to be a formal party, that's what the invitation said! Why is everyone dressed like they are going to goddamn Wal-Mart?"

Jamie: "It wasn't me. I didn't invite her skanky ass this time."

I can't imagine why.

"This ought to liven up this dead ass party."

"You bitch! I love this shirt!!"

"This party sucks! I'm outta here!"

So Maxine refused to give up the ghost, even after Lydia tried again with a different weapon. I followed her home.

Well, well, look at that. Turns out that Jessica the ghost is her mother. Looking back, Maxine is right there in the death pictures. No wonder she's determined to give me a hard time.

So Lydia came to her.

She tried to bash Maxine's head in, while Maxine enraged her with her aloof ambivalence.

Still no go, so I reset her.

"Hold still, you fucking fat cow!!"

Lydia's getting really annoyed.

"How did I get outside in my everyday outfit?"

It still didn't work. So in one last throw to the wall, I hard reset Maxine using Mastercontroller.

"I'm getting really tired of this!"

"And I'm getting really tired."

"I'm going to bed."

And with that, we hit "fuck it".

I have Twallan on my side, I will not be defeated!

I thought that the lot might be the problem, so after Lydia went home I reset the lot. I have no idea if it did anything other than poof Jessica home. She's still there, still a ghost, her urn is still on the floor. No idea if anything changed at all.

"Lydia must have killed ginger's fat chick."

No, technically not.

"Winnie, we're inside, you need to take those damn goggles off."

"I will not. The paparazzi will find me and I'll go blind!"

They are all at the new country club to celebrate Sebastian's birthday.

"I wish to have interests other than slashing and bashing."

Lydia: "Really? What the fuck for?"

"You understand why I'm wearing my goggles, right Dad?"

"No honey, I really don't. But they coordinate and look good, so I really don't care."

So in addition to being evil, insane, and mean, Sebastian rolled even for his trait and is now eccentric. Excellent. Simbots and time machines!!

"Well that was fun. Gotta trot. Shit to do."

And it's not stoking a fire.

Y'all are going to get your membership revoked.

"So long, you little punk!!"

"Dammit! I cannot believe that I'm going to die!"

"And I can't believe I'm going to miss it. Gotta dash!"

I tried to have her run to the house next door.

But of course she takes the longest possible route to get there.

And throws one more.

Meanwhile, back at the party..

"I am not going to stand around and listen to a bunch of people sobbing."

It's cool. Sebastian can watch Blaine, now.

"I'd rather watch tv at home."

Okay, what about the baby??

"What about him?"

"Wow, Teddy! You're DIS BIG!!"

What's the worst that could happen?

"How did I get here? Where's Teddy?"

I don't think we were charged $75 for the poof home, but I'm not positive.

"Where did this girl in the ugly jumpsuit come from?"

Oh that's right! The babysitter showed up AFTER Blaine poofed home, and promptly charged us $75 and left.

Hours later, Lydia gets out of jail, still in her formal dress.

"Yay! She's asleep! This should be easy!!"

"Nigh-night, Grant! Get good sleepies!"

You may want to turn around, man.

"Why? Oh."

"Venessa, NOOOO!!!!"

Grant: "Da' wheahs on da bus go wound and wound, wound and wound, wound and wound.."

For whatever reason, Lydia was satisfied with only killing Vanessa Venessa, and left her husband alone, so lucky Grant doesn't have to go live with my simself.

"You're an asshole."

"You have no manners."

"I'm gonna make you pay, old man."

Duncan? Who the hell is Duncan? I thought he might be some random teen who made honor roll, because it's 2pm, buuuuuuut.....

He's Ivan's son. Insidious, Lydia. Very, very insidious.

"Thank you!!"

As you can see, Duncan has a PT job, so Lydia had to wait a bit.

He's the babysitter who JUST left the house because either Sebastian or Elvis got home.


"Hi, I need a babysitter, preferably a dude. ......................................... Okay, well do the best you can. .................... Thanks."

Oh for fuck's sake.


"WHY aren't you a dude? I asked for a GUY babysitter!!"

"*gasp* Conrad's on another job!"

"*wheeze* I just wanted *gasp* to pay for college *groan*"

"Now you can pay for your funeral."

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Is Ivan's stupid son out of work, yet??"

He should be. You go get on that.

"Oh, I will."

And right here, at night, the kids just arriving home from wherever the fuck they were (friends houses I think), Blaine hungry and tired, Lydia leaving to go take out Duncan, is where shit got real.

Mmmmhmm.  Does everyone die, thus ending this story in an abrupt, although not altogether unfitting, manner? Find out next time.

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